And Remember… You Wanted This. (Nov 2023)

Stillness (Oct 2023) by ToriaManning

And Remember… You Wanted This.

I always found great discomfort when losing parts of myself, especially if it was obvious that doing so would not result in a beneficial trade-off. Losing chunks of my limbs and heart was an excruciating experience. However, I had not discovered true pain until I began losing my mind and my person during the cycles constructed by my precious beloveds.

The woman that I am eventually found Godly stillness in the face of chaos and disarray, when all my loves attempted to swallow me whole. With tears streaming from their bewildered eyes, they screamed out in disturbing unison that they did not want to but were compelled to do it by the voice of the faceless and the song and dance of the flawless wolves they had known long before they met me.

I have always been unimpressed by the faceless and the wolves, I detested their tunes and abhorred mimicking their movements. Deep down, I knew that if you could master their art, they would have you believe that you are gods. But all this would be an effort to make you easily digestible and distract you from noticing the teeth slowly sinking in. It was apparent to me that these delusions persisted until you either failed them or realised at the very end of your life that you were yet another powerless mortal at the mercy of an evil that existed long before you were even a concept.

Clearly, I knew too much, and they hated me for not being so easily blinded by their ‘charm’. 

Stillness

These last ten years when I prayed for peace, I always envisioned that its arrival could only be perceived tangibly. I thought it would look like my life halting to a calm, no more hearing or living sad stories, no more strife or existential queries. I thought it would look like having joy in being and living, so I actively ordered my life in accordance, eagerly waited for the signs and theorised that all the problems I faced would go away when they emerged.

I spent so much time searching and planning towards the arrival of peace that I could not recognise it and foolishly looked right past it even when our worlds collided. When I realised that I missed a step and had to start over, I hated everything the journey entailed and was thoroughly filled with despair but would coerce myself into repeating the search since it was likely that I failed because I was not diligent, careful, or desperate enough the last time. It would take years to see that I was never going to find what I was looking for because I kept searching in flawed and empty spaces. I fought for ideals that held no true inherent worth and believed they were fulfilling because of the value that I ascribed to them. I lost chunks of myself each time I threw myself down in worship of these ideals and every time I strove to keep the veil of fantasy from lifting.

Truthfully, I did know better, but my awareness alone was sadly not enough to lead me to wise decisions. Now I am choosing to work on understanding that true peace is connected to the decisions I make in the face of chaos and tumult and accepting that it is not sourced from anything an earthly system can offer.

Nature Might Have Been Cruel Jul 2022

Nature might have been cruel by ToriaManning July 2022

Nature Might Have Been Cruel

Before we are even self-aware, we are dressed in the weighted ego of those who conceived us and entrusted with the burden of their plight.

Expected to forever look up, smiling politely at all the destruction and mess that we are faced with.
As my eyes recklessly glared at the chaos that should have perturbed me.
It occurred to me that this role was owed to those who passed before me.
The self-centred creators of the lost.

Lost child, speak your mind.

The celestial bodies watched you grow and make a trail to an abstract home in the fray.
Unexpectedly you found yourself in a dysfunctional shelter for all strays.
And finally became a prey for the kindred of troubled and lost souls alike.
How could you have known that an orphan heart would inevitably produce and attract its kind?
Indulgent, self preserving and only ever attracted to things they shouldn’t have.

When the voice of light whispered to you the path to truth.
You grabbed on to it, but only because of what it could do for you.
Orphan, could you not see that walking the path of freedom could not be a selfish act?
Pain, shame and fear took you off track.

But lack of insight could be your downfall.
Your shallow sight cannot reveal your blind spots.
The fray, the strays and lost souls took your senses in awe, and dashed them against the pillar of cloud who was also your rock.

Lost child search your mind.
Nature might have been cruel, but pride will make you go blind.
As you are, you cannot save a life.
Sadly the belief that you have preserved yourself is but a lie.
The only thing safeguarded is the immortality of your insecurities and your ensured servitude to it.
You can only live as it permits you, and so will your kin.

The simple truth is,  you can get away from the fray, the home for all strays and from under the power and influence of the troubled and lost souls. To do so you must reach for the hand that reaches towards you.

The difficult truth is that you have no choice but to.
Otherwise, you will remain a lost child, even until your very last breath.

Wake up.

The terrifying idea of breaking vicious cycles

I started working on this sketch in 2019. Of all the 33 sketches in the black sketchbook, it has the longest life span in terms of the time measured from start and finish. I think it took me so long to complete it because at the start of its life, I lacked the vision and emotional maturity to carry the message to fruition. The written piece is loaded and hefty enough to decode the sketch, so I think it is not worth writing a breakdown of my thoughts and delving into what inspired the art piece. But in short, it speaks on the notion of breaking vicious cycles and negative generational patterns.

I realise that this is a weighty topic so, if anyone needs to talk or would like a listening ear feel free to message me on tiktok: @toraamanning and I shall try my very best to get back to you.

It could have been great Dec 2021

It could have been great by ToriaManning

It could have been great

The smell in the air was different, the atmosphere changed. 

The seasons always confirmed what our calendars failed to. Yet the height of the sun, movement of the clouds and positioning of the constellations became indiscernible. 

It could have been beautiful. 

Wind swept leaves spelled out the words we needed to see. All the forces of nature agreed. 

At the 11th hour, the consciousness of the earth awakened and a rhythm pulsated throughout the planet; acknowledging the gravity of these new signs. 

Compelled by these rare occurrences, it was impossible for anyone to ignore that something spectacular was brewing. 

It could have been great, and it was for a few, but only the few. 

What seems obvious to some is not always apparent to all. We are only truly as aware as our deepest thoughts. 

It could have been great, and perhaps it was. Maybe it was always meant to be this way. 

Dealing with disappointment but leaving room for healing.

My husband once said, a long time ago, that when he met me, he thought I was almost always sad, deep down inside… and man was he right. At the time, I remember thinking, true, but why are you not sad? Have you seen the state of the world?! I thought, to be emotionally unaffected by the chaos around required for one to be either ignorant, self involved, oblivious or deluded.

I see the limits with this mentality, and realise on the contrary that such mindsets are sometimes a product of one’s own self-importance. Not only is it pointless being weighed down by circumstances that I cannot control, but it is also self-destructive to do so for a prolonged period. I now choose to surrender everything to God and let things end there. ‘It could have been great’ is about doing what I can to keep hope alive, by not allowing negative experiences alone to shape my psychology and dictate my present or future. It is about making the decision to not be perpetually imprisoned in the past, in regret or in the ruins of unfulfilled expectations.

I hope to increasingly put healing and forgiveness first and to find the silver lining in everything. Even when it seems impossible to find a silver lining, I try my best to simply mourn the loss, surrender the burden in a healthy way, and move on. I trust that the rest will work itself out.

Robbed Jul 2020

Robbed 8 Jul 2020 by Victoriadeyemi

Many a time, I was told to let the murderer pass by.
Something about a right of passage. They said “This is what life is like”.

This time, I investigated before planting.
I stayed up all night guarding.
Watering, building, giving.
Though we exist in strange times, everything started to yield.
Again came the thief. Insincerely wearing the face of a thousand men, lowly creeping out in the field.

A known destroyer; with it’s mouth full of acid, drooling and devising a scheme to blend in.

I was mocked by the ‘wisest of the wise’ and was told to let you by.
No sooner than they spoke, did I realise that you champion that advice.

The funny thing is you always come here.
Yet your curse is not mine to bear.
You are drawn to me.
You see me; the sole surviving fruit on this deep-rooted tree.

I see you.

To stop you, I would have to set off the bomb attached to my head.
But see, even if it were my destiny to bring about your end…
I refuse to die with you or in your stead.

So, conflicted I ask, what do I do now?

Drowning Apr 2019

Drowning Apr 2019 by Victoriadeyemi

 

You were drowning, I jumped in to save you. 
That’s what anyone in my shoes would do.
I don’t remember if you wanted to be saved.
Sometimes your arms struggled and waved. 

Here in the chaos, I realise to my shock, that you have been drowning for years now. It must have been beyond exhausting. 

You were drowning, I leapt in to save you. 
But it didn’t mean that I had to drown too.

You pushed my head down and used me to stay afloat. 
You frantically nodded as the fetters clamped to your feet, reached for mine. 
It found its successor.

The familiar sensation of dark waters filled up my lungs. It sunk me low, until…
Darkness became my default state. 

But I knew that I did not belong there. 
Everytime death took a census, it could only mutter the first syllable of my name. 
That was all the motivation I needed to want my escape. 

You were drowning, I jumped in to save you. 
That’s what anyone in my shoes would do.
You were drowning, I leapt in to save you. 
But it didn’t mean that I had to drown too.

Soon enough, you too will realise that you don’t belong in death’s grip. 
You will finally see the ancient path carved out.
Waiting to lead you back to land.

Broken (Nov 2017)

Broken by victoriadeyemi

Broken

I think that pain gives birth to illusions.

Sometimes, these illusions lie and steal from us. They have the ability to make living feel so heavy and break our spirits.

I still haven’t learnt what the best way of dealing with pain is. I think that there is no universal solution.

These days, I simply cry out to God.

Sometimes, I doubt if that really works.

Other times, I think to myself “the doubt is only another illusion created by my pain”.

Home (Aug 2017)

Home by Victoriadeyemi

Home

They say ‘home is where the heart is’.

Home is supposed to be where one feels most secured.

How is it that I lost my home? Or did my home lose me?

Not in the literal sense, but…

I crashed and burned at home

Came in on high cloud secretly inflated with gasoline

Soaring with my expectations on a collision course with reality.

I burst into flames.

How could I have seen this coming?

Lassoed down from my former state.

Reduced to nothing but ashes.

How could I not have seen this coming?

As uneasy as it is to understand, my worst fears are associated with my home. My definition of home isn’t the typical one of ‘a place where I live, with my family’. To me, anything that I can associate with hope becomes my home. For example, the special people in my life, my aspirations and most importantly God. I often refer to Jesus as my home. When I wrote this piece my home felt like it was hanging in the balance; I tried to hold on to everything with my hands and heart but it was slipping so fast.

The colouring pencil sketch, as usual, is a reflection of my state of mind. I haven’t made her look utterly destitute, I guess that even in my state of confusion and strife, I still remain hopeful that things will work out. Sometimes we are forced into paths that we couldn’t predict but wished we could have. Yet, I think, even if we could predict some of these things, it does not necessarily mean that we would have been able to stop them. Not even when we have the entire force of a supernatural deity on our side. I think the important thing is learning; most things happen so that we can learn from them and come out newly formed. God wants us to grow, and how he chooses to make that happen is entirely up to him, but I think that we have a say concerning how long any unpleasant situation persists.

When It Rains. (Dec 2016)

When It Rains Victoriadeyemi

When it rains.

Where does real strength come from?

The painting was inspired by my peaceful state of mind, I used mostly pastel colours, which is a first for me. I was mainly thinking about what it really meant to be strong. Drawing from my experiences, I think that true strength is accepting the people that genuinely want to help us. True strength is having the humility to believe and the willingness to grow. True strength is holding a mirror to our image every now and then.

I think it is wrong when people say ‘true strength comes from within’. It is implausible to suggest that the origin of strength is ‘within’ when strength is not an intrinsic value. Strength does not come from ‘within’ it is just formed there. We are all born weak, defenseless, vulnerable and dependent. We each have our individual characteristics that make us different and react in different ways to certain situations. However, it is predominantly our experiences that form and develop us; our experiences trigger the fight or flight notion in our minds. Our experiences may be caused by the natural order of things, they may be self-inflicted or caused by others. But we can only develop strength when we make the most out of our experiences by appreciating them for what they have to teach us and appreciating the available help. We can only develop strength when we stop indulging in isolated thinking and self-pity.

Yellow And Green: To X and others (Sept 2016)

 

Yellow and Green By Victoriadeyemi. Dedicated to X 

Chalk and Acrylic.

Dedicated to X

Yellow and Green

Yellow and green like the natural valley underneath your sternum.
Yellow and green because I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Yellow and green like growth and mutual reliance.
Yellow and green because I have trusted you with so much and yet so little.
Yellow and green like when the hills kiss the sun.
Yellow and green because this ultimately came, without much thought or inquiry.

Dedicated to those who happened into my life and managed to stay in.

Interpersonal relationships: Being in charge but also leaving enough room for the unknown.

Relationships may sometimes seem overly centred around trying to make things work. The level of difficulty of this is often dependent on one’s ability to tolerate and willingness to understand. It is almost common knowledge that you cannot choose your biological family but you can choose your friends. However, some friends happen to you like an unforeseen event. Sometimes they are disastrous, even catastrophic and other times a wonderful surprise. You end up going through or coming out of such experiences with thoughts like ‘what just happened?’

For the most part of life, we do not have a choice with regards to a majority of stuff that happens to us. For instance, the people we were born to, the struggles we were born to deal with or other circumstances we found ourselves in.

We may not really have a say when it comes to the people that happen into our lives, the ones we fall in love with, the ones that hurt us, the ones that we have to work with or those who become family members along the line. However, we do have a great amount of discretion when it comes to deciding who stays in. We just need to be wise with how we use this choice.

 

Why Everyone Needs To Shut Up and Think. Break free (Aug 2016)

Break Free by Victoriadeyemi

Why everyone needs to SHUT UP and THINK.

I created this blog not wanting to be too acidic.

I needed it to be a distraction from the real world.
Talk less politics.
Talk less God.

Not wanting to be that loud cry in an empty hall.
But I didn’t last long doing that.

I have a great dislike for bullies but a special dislike for self-righteous people who feel above correction; they will never change.

Can you hear me?
Stop persecuting us!
Stop limiting us!

Stop hating yourselves!
Forcibly driving yourselves into sunken airless pockets.

Are you ignorant?
Light-hearted fun is good. And alcohol makes people happy. But only for a little while. Ignorance is only bliss when it is real ignorance. Not the type that was fashioned into existence  to sway minds and suppress overly thoughts
You are not Ignorant.

I Stopped fighting for the cause, but did I ever really begin?
Did I never tackle Inequality because I became apathetic? Or because I became too scared of the backlash from people who pick equal fights against the cause?

Do people really want to read long reports about inequality?
Don’t they either feel guilty for being a part of the problem? Or guilty for not fighting against the problem? Guilt always finds new ways to be transformed into backlash.

Are you selfish?
True selfishness is to seek your gain to the detriment of others.
For humanity to grow true selfishness needs to die.

Everyone needs to SHUT UP and THINK.
Activists included. Non-activists included. Everyone. Including those with tremendously wise things to say, and those who only say stupid things.
Myself included.

Talk is cheap.

We are all becoming too stupid from talking more than we are ever willing to listen.