And Remember… You Wanted This.
I always found great discomfort when losing parts of myself, especially if it was obvious that doing so would not result in a beneficial trade-off. Losing chunks of my limbs and heart was an excruciating experience. However, I had not discovered true pain until I began losing my mind and my person during the cycles constructed by my precious beloveds.
The woman that I am eventually found Godly stillness in the face of chaos and disarray, when all my loves attempted to swallow me whole. With tears streaming from their bewildered eyes, they screamed out in disturbing unison that they did not want to but were compelled to do it by the voice of the faceless and the song and dance of the flawless wolves they had known long before they met me.
I have always been unimpressed by the faceless and the wolves, I detested their tunes and abhorred mimicking their movements. Deep down, I knew that if you could master their art, they would have you believe that you are gods. But all this would be an effort to make you easily digestible and distract you from noticing the teeth slowly sinking in. It was apparent to me that these delusions persisted until you either failed them or realised at the very end of your life that you were yet another powerless mortal at the mercy of an evil that existed long before you were even a concept.
Clearly, I knew too much, and they hated me for not being so easily blinded by their ‘charm’.
Stillness
These last ten years when I prayed for peace, I always envisioned that its arrival could only be perceived tangibly. I thought it would look like my life halting to a calm, no more hearing or living sad stories, no more strife or existential queries. I thought it would look like having joy in being and living, so I actively ordered my life in accordance, eagerly waited for the signs and theorised that all the problems I faced would go away when they emerged.
I spent so much time searching and planning towards the arrival of peace that I could not recognise it and foolishly looked right past it even when our worlds collided. When I realised that I missed a step and had to start over, I hated everything the journey entailed and was thoroughly filled with despair but would coerce myself into repeating the search since it was likely that I failed because I was not diligent, careful, or desperate enough the last time. It would take years to see that I was never going to find what I was looking for because I kept searching in flawed and empty spaces. I fought for ideals that held no true inherent worth and believed they were fulfilling because of the value that I ascribed to them. I lost chunks of myself each time I threw myself down in worship of these ideals and every time I strove to keep the veil of fantasy from lifting.
Truthfully, I did know better, but my awareness alone was sadly not enough to lead me to wise decisions. Now I am choosing to work on understanding that true peace is connected to the decisions I make in the face of chaos and tumult and accepting that it is not sourced from anything an earthly system can offer.
Toria Manning 