Tag Archives: thoughts

The Nightmare Realm

20151125_104609
Nightmare by Victoriadeyemi 

The  day before I drew this, I saw some swans really up close and thought I was going to end up drawing swans. But instead I ended up drawing someone with a swan like neck.

I wanted to give Nightmare feathers on her neck but after drawing the hair, I was less inclined to the feathers idea and gave her red iris instead.

The Nightmare realm.

When I stopped feeling, I moved to the nightmare realm.
In hope that it would shock my senses back into motion.
In the realm of nightmares, I learnt that;
Sometimes the moon does a poor imitation of the sun.
Some curses can never be reversed  because deep down we are so used to them  being a part of our identity.
When invisible snakes dart at you, they do it with the most evil of intentions.
That poison can only be fatal when it runs through your veins.

That water and music have healing properties.
I learnt that fire burns but it also cleanses,
that bread is not life unless it is the bread of life.

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Exoskeletons and Wallpapers

20151120_130159 (1)Exoskeleton, is the second time I’ve used paint on canvas in France, It took me 4 days minus the days where I waited for the paint to dry. I think it has been a while; the last time I ran wild on canvas. It was definitely inspiring and kind of liberating. I love it, when I turn the canvas into landscape, its like a river in the wall created from touch.  My only regret is that the canvas was not big enough, for this piece I needed more room.

Exoskeletons and Wall papers.

“… who lied and told you that you died when you stopped breathing?”

My exoskeleton fed off anxiety, fear, rejection, tears and grew into this uncontrollable thing.
It itself was not a lie, but it was a potent liar.
Potent because all of its lies were logical.
So much so, that believing them became a necessity.

It taught me:
That I could never be in control of myself because humans are machines fuelled by motivation which in turn is controlled by emotions.

By that reasoning I couldn’t ever trust myself.

That happiness does not exist;  it was strictly out of our reach because humans are naturally selfish and inherently evil.

Thus by justification all systems fabricated by people are evil.

This taught me to trust in nothing and in no one, which wasn’t very hard, because it was all logical.

But when it taught me not to trust God, I stumbled.
I stopped breathing. Thinking “this is it”.

“But who lied and told you that you died when you stopped breathing?”

Monster (Oct 2013)

Monster by Victoriadeyemi
Monster by Victoriadeyemi
I struggled with writing. I didn’t know if I wanted to do it in the first or third person. Monster is technically a Black Sketchbook piece, I think it was the ninth or tenth.  It explores repentance and the act of forgiving one’s self, which I guess is an essential topic, because not a lot of people are aware that it is possible to hold a grudge against themselves. I sketched Monster 2 years ago, but I could only really write about it now. It was the first time I ever used pure graphite on paper.

I don’t know why I knew this, but I knew that all repentant monsters stood in dark corners and said venomous things to themselves, in their own individual spaces.

They remembered the past:
“where we incited fear with one glance of our bloodshot eyes, where we ripped things and people to shreds even when they pleaded ‘please don’t’.
We resolved within ourselves that we did not deserve good things because we had destroyed so many good things in our time…
In our individual spaces, we remembered when we pleaded with the world not to turn us into monsters, we remember that we were too weak to not take the bait.
We remember when we decided that the world deserved to be ripped to pieces because we were the result of mankind’s selfishness and wickedness, that the world had ignited this everlasting flame that is now trying consuming it”.

I don’t know why I knew this, but I knew that all repentant monsters stood in dark corners and said hurtful things to themselves in their own individual spaces. I also know that as dysfunctional as the world  is, it is sometimes more forgiving of itself than repentant monsters.

Tales from the Children of the Light (Wild Things) Oct 2015

Wild things victoriadeyemi
Wild things victoriadeyemi

Wild Things is the first time I have used paint on canvas since summer. I find acrylic paint a lot harder to use than chalk and even oil paints; because it isn’t as obedient or flexible. But only acrylic paint could translate into this on canvas and the more I use it, the more I find new ways to deal with it. I think the beauty of this piece are her eyes, I think they are powerful and defiant but also dead. They are capable of telling the whole story.

Time and time again, I have told myself that…
I am a wild thing.

I will never be tamed.
I never want to be caged.

Wild things cannot be contained because they will eventually venture out.
Wild things cannot be owned because they have no regard for authority.
Their spirit remains uncrushed, defiant.
And you can see it in their eyes that they hate you.

Wild things can be loved.
But you shouldn’t ever love a wild thing.
It would shatter your heart and leave with half of the pieces.

However, no one obeys this solid rule.
They are continually disappointed when they find out that I slipped out through their fingers yet again .

And I, hurt because I never remember that it is in man’s nature to want to own wild things. Especially when he loved it.

So, in trying to avoid being hurt or caged, I created my own impenetrable fortress.
Wherein I was a merciless master, a ruthless warden and an obedient prisoner.
There was no escape, no matter where I went, I kept running into myself.

Tales from the Children of the Light (Fear)

Fear
Fear

Fear is the second time I have ever used chalk on black paper. Tales from the Children of the Light is a series, inspired by the many interesting random strangers I met over summer and how they made me think. But I couldn’t get around to doing this until now because (I guess) writing in France is a lot easier, I usually come up with this stuff at the oddest times (like I came up with Fear at church and the next one at a concerto). Enjoy.

Fear

I think I was afraid…
I was afraid of love and honesty,
because they seemed unattainable.
I was afraid of hatred and deception,
because they could carve out eternal wounds.
I was afraid of seeking perfection because it did not seem to exist.
I was afraid of imperfection because it was not worthy of me.

I think I was afraid of tears because they were worthless.
But I was also scared of not being able to cry because it was an indication that I had become emotionless.
I think I was afraid of the dark because it was seemingly safe. But it lied to me and blinded me. I could not see.
I was afraid of the light because although it trusted me to be able to bear the truth, it revealed so much. And in an instant, I could see everything.

I think above all I was afraid of my fears, they were illogically logical, and they had the power to control and to cripple me.

But only if I let them.

Uncertainty.

Things are generally not happening the way I planned them to. Furthermore, I find myself doing things that were not really in the plan. Sometimes I feel like I was more certain about how things were going to turn out when I was in year 9. Which doesn’t make any sense because I was only 14 years old. Certainty is good; I like being certain about how things are going to turn out. But I haven’t been certain about a lot of things for a very long time now. Honestly, it has been one surprise after another. And I’m not sure if I like that. This painting is uncertain because it is not what I set out to paint, these aren’t even the colours that I had planned to use. There were so many questions like what even is this? And why am I currently (unconsciously) obsessed with fire?

I was going to wait until I got back to London before I posted it, by then I would have highlighted it a bit more. Maybe it would make more sense then? Also the presentation would be a lot nicer because I would be reunited with my laptop. But what is the point of following the plan? So here you go an incomplete work fully representing my uncertainty. Whatever. I am going to watch some cartoons now.